First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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