Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
