I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Fuck appropriateness.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Still dying that you shit outside
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
tell me about the fingering
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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