I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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