we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
