oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
