There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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