Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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