I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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