Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
