I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize