You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
