Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
