I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize