I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
