it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
