I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
