everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
