I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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