You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize