I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
