i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
