I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
