Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
