I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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