wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
