i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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