Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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