Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
