If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
