I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
