I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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