So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
