I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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