this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
