So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just invented taco cereal.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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