Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
