I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love having hate sex.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
