im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
