gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
