i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
