im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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