Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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