So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
