So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
