K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
