I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
everyone is single if you try hard enough
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
