There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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