You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
