I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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