I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
