I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
