so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
