Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
