Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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