I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
