my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
