Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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