Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
